Behind your walls
by blue-bunnycat
Summary: A gathering celebrating the peace that Camelot's King Arthur has created is interrupted by an unwelcome face. A face from the past that haunt Merlin's dreams and memories. The secret that Merlin fought so hard to keep from Arthur was callously revealed, and Merlin could do nothing but watch as his walls are broken down.


_**Authors note:** Some hurt/comfort for all you amazing Merthur lovers ;)  
This is a short fic that was inspired by some of the one shots I have read in the Avengers fandom. I hope you all enjoy this :)_

 _All reviews and kudos/likes are very much appreciated 3_

 _Hugs,  
GreyRabbit (aka Aydsa)_

 _(Ps trigger warnings for rape. Please be careful if you're sensitive to violence! Thanks)_

* * *

There was a slow drawl of silence. A respectful hush of lowered heads in prayer, before a small _ting_ ended it. There, on the dais, Arthur raised his goblet high into the air.

"Today we celebrate the end of the winter solstice and the dawn of spring, with offerings to the Goddess and blessings on our tongues." There was another respectful beat of silent acknowledgement before everybody in the castle hall raised their goblets.

"Citizens of Camelot and guests near and far, I bid you a warm welcome to our humble Kingdom. The next 3 days of festivities will be full of new alliances and new friendships."

Arthur gave the crowd a warm smile before gesturing to the servants to bring the food in.

"Camelot's finest food has been prepared for all to enjoy. Let the feast begin!"

The eruption of excitement from the crowd never ceased to amaze Merlin. The last 5 years since Arthur ascended the throne, Camelot has become a strong, beautiful and flourishing Kingdom with more people flocking to its borders everyday.

Merlin never thought that he would ever see the day peace enveloped the realm. The day where magic users walked alongside normal people without fear choking their heart. The day where Camelot's allies became united under the guidance of one leader and the day where there were barely any wars between kingdoms anymore.

Camelot had gotten so far because of Arthur, and Merlin couldn't help but fall deeper in love with his King every single day.

The feeling of a gentle, familiar hand on his back made him smile.

"What are you doing hiding out here all by yourself, Merlin?" were the whisper-soft words mumbled against the skin of his neck.

"Nothing cabbage-head." That earned him a fond and amused snort from the King.

"Just ruminating about how lucky I am I guess. Have you ever wondered that maybe if things didn't work out like it did between us-"

"Even if I never found out about your magic, even if I had to marry another princess to form an alliance, and even if-" Merlin heard Arthur's breath hitch slightly in pain.

"-even if I married Gwen. I would have still loved you Merlin. I would have loved you so much that it would have slowly drove me away from Gwen's arms and ultimately destroyed our marriage."

Merlin felt his cheeks flush and his heart pitter patter every single time Arthur said "I love you". Even after three years together he felt like a blushing, love-sick fool every single time Arthur declared his love. Merlin suspected that it came from years of being an awkward, gangly boy from a remote village, who had never been paid attention to or appreciated by anyone. The habit of thinking that nobody could ever love him was hard to break out off. He never thought that anyone could love him back until Arthur.

Merlin never thought that anyone would want a servant boy like him. A boy who had nothing to give, didn't understand social cues, was unbelievably mouthy and had a defiant streak a mile wide. A boy who was born with an ability that was considered evil; a boy whose existence itself was illegal and taboo.

There was nobody Merlin dared allow himself to love and nobody who loved him back. He was so acquainted with feeling the barbs of unrequited love that it was as normal as air for him; but somehow miraculously three years ago Arthur asked him permission for a formal courting, and he couldn't do anything except stutter out a breathless "yes!"

Merlin remembered that day so vividly he could have described the colour of the clothes Arthur wore, every minute expression on Arthur's face, the way the sounds of clanging swords filled the air and the warmth of the summer sun on his skin.

Arthur's love filled the broken parts of him that he didn't even know he had, and now he would never be able to live without his King, his destiny, his heart ever again; the thought itself should have scared him to the core, but it didn't because Merlin knew that Arthur felt the same.

"There was nothing that could have drove me away. I had loved you since I first met you, but I didn't realize it until I lost Guinevere to Lancelot and my Kingdom to Morgana. I looked around and I thought that everything and everyone I had, had left me, but...no. Even if my world was ending, you were still there. From then on I realized that my place at the throne, my blood family and infatuation would never be a constant."

A soft kiss was brushed against Merlin's knuckles, and Merlin raised their clasped hands to his cheek.

"Nothing was my constant except you, Merlin. You were my anchor- my lodestone- and I was a fool for not realizing it sooner. For not realizing that I had such an amazing thing already."

Merlin turned and place a gentle kiss on Arthur's lips.

"Go mingle with your guests, my liege. You can't keep your people waiting." Merlin teased before disentangling himself from Arthur's arms and giving his pouting King a playful nudge.

Arthur smirked and unashamedly tugged Merlin back into his arms.

"The people of Camelot understands that her King also needs private time with his one and only Consort and Royal Sorcerer."

Merlin rolled his eyes at Arthur's ridiculousness before giving his King another chaste kiss.

"Now go and mingle, you ridiculous oaf."

"Feeling bossy today, Merlin?" Arthur's voice was affectionate and teasing. With a small smirk Arthur pulled Merlin into a searing kiss that left him breathless and dizzy with excitement, before Arthur turned and sauntered from the balcony into the hall and back into the swirling crowd.

Merlin's lips tingled with the silent promise Arthur left. He gave a fond, content sigh before straightening his clothes and walking back into the hall.

* * *

"Merlin, your assurances on the safety of magical artifacts have settled my council's worries."

Merlin gave the striking queen before him a respectful bow.

"I am always happy to oblige, Queen Mithian. Thank you for taking your time to travel to Camelot to attend this annual festival." There was a chuckle from Mithian that made him straighten. When he glanced at Mithian's face he saw mutual laughter and amusement in her eyes, and Merlin couldn't stop the smile that tugged at his lips from appearing.

"You've never cared for propriety before. What changed?"

"I am offended that people think that I don't even have a shred of respectability in me so I'm proving to everyone that I do." There was an amused hum of acknowledgement from Mithian.

"But that's what Arthur finds so charming about you Merlin." Merlin cheekily grinned at the teasing reply before he offered his arm for Mithian to take.

"I have to say she's right about that, Merls." Gwaine interjected.

"-and from the passionate noises that I hear from Arthur's rooms on my lonely night patrols, you should definitely be more -mphhh-"

Gwaine's leering statement was cut off by Merlin's palm.

"Ignore this person. He's a delusional, drunken pervert that I have no relation to." Merlin was rewarded with bright laughter from Mithian.

"It's so great to see you again Merlin. I'm so glad that you guys never change." Merlin gave his friend a warm smile and said "I'm glad to see you have found someone who loves you, Mithian. You deserve to be as happy as you can be."

Mithian turned her gaze and spotted Nemeth's current King- her husband- standing amongst a crowd of visiting royalty.

"I'm glad I found him too, Merlin. I'm glad that we married for love, because I believe that our Kingdom -our people- are stronger because our hearts are not divided."

Mithian's voice trailed off with a soft "Thank you for making me realize that."

"Nothing to be grateful for, your highness. Merls didn't make you realize anything. You made it happen yourself so give yourself some credit here." Gwaine's cheeky reply ended with an exaggerated waggle of eyebrows and an unashamed "so would you like to take your next dance with this dashing knight here?"

Mithian gave a fond sigh and Merlin a hug, then she turned around and placed her palm on the crook of Gwaine's elbow and said in a deadpan voice, "Gwaine, you didn't get laid yet did you?"

Gwaine's offended splutter before being lead towards the dance floor by Mithian, was the best thing Merlin had heard all day and he couldn't help chuckling out loud.

The sound that signalled the start of a new song filled the hall, and Merlin started heading towards where Arthur was standing, when the sight before him stopped him cold in his tracks.

Merlin felt his breath falter in shock and dread claw up his throat. The edges of his vision started to grey and he felt like his heart had dropped out off his chest. Unbridled panic ate at his mind and all he could think was - _I need to get out nownownow- escape- where was the escape- have to -oh god-_ and the only thing that kept him from losing his mind against the overwhelming flood of memories was the pain from his own nails digging crescent-shaped imprints into the skin of his palms.

Merlin must have left the hall in a daze because when he came to he found himself leaning against the railing of the balcony outside, on the edge of hyperventilation and out of breath. Desperately, he clutched at his chest and screwed his eyes shut against the tidal wave of memories.

The memories of rough bruising hands on his hips, burning tear tracks and agony made him want to claw out his eyes just to stop the images from repeating like a macabre time loop.

"Well...Look what we have here." The voice from his nightmares had the same gruff sneering tone. Nothing had changed.

Merlin shakily turned around and the man branded into his memories was standing there flanked by two of his knights, with the same disgusting leer on his face, the same bulky stature and the same sadistic green eyes.

Merlin felt tremors run through his legs, but by sheer force of will he straightened up and met those eyes without giving anything away.

"You must have mistaken me for somebody else." Without another word Merlin turned and headed back into the crowd in the hall.

- _No, he's not running away-_

(No matter what his traitorous mind whispered)

A blur of movement in his peripheral vision completely froze him. His chest was so tight with panic that he could barely breathe, and his mind was paralyzed with so much suffocating fear that he couldn't react. It was like his mind dropped from the realm of normal fear into downright pants-wetting-paralytic fear.

Merlin couldn't do anything, and the small involuntary hiccuping-gasps from his mouth made him burn with self loathing.

"How could I forget you, _little bird_?" The whisper that softly swirled in the air between them contrasted against the cruel, bruising grip on Merlin's wrist.

"Don't you remember me? Don't you remember the time we spent together?" Merlin desperately shook his head _-nononono he didn't want to remember-gods no please-_

The scorching heat from the man's hand was like a brand on Merlin's skin, and his grip tightened so much that, for a moment, Merlin thought his wrist had snapped.

Merlin blurted out a desperate gasp of "Sir Nicholas Droyn! T-That's your name!-please-"

"There you go. That wasn't so hard, was it?" The sickeningly sweet voice made all the hair on Merlin's arms rise.

"I have never forgotten you, sweet Merlin. Not since the day we met. Our meeting today must have been destined." There was a dagger-sharp smirk on his face and Merlin wanted to do nothing more than wipe it off his smug face with a punch, but before the small spark of protective anger (-this was never destiny. Nothing is destined except his and Arthur's love, damn it!-) could grow into a flame, it sizzled out when the next words were uttered.

"Maybe we could have another repeat of our previous time together…" There was a small pause, and what followed was like the melody of a funeral dirge.

"- **Here. Now**."

- _no never not goingtohappenagain he will kill himself before he everletsthismonstertouch himagain-_ Merlin felt his stomach drop out of his body and into the pits of frantic despair but that's ok because he's going to send this bastard to hell even if it kills him. The rising swell of his magic made his skin tingle and Merlin could no longer control his magic's erratic urge to _maim, kill and burn everything to ashes-_

"Merlin?"

 _Warm. Familiar? safesafesafe...precious? Yes...who…_

 _Arthur? Yes...arthurarthurarthur. Love. Most important…_

Suddenly Merlin's magic subsided like an errant child; the backlash made his knees wobble, and Merlin went down without warning. The only thing that kept him from face-planting onto the floor was a pair of strong, familiar arms.

The wave of relief that hit him was so overwhelming he couldn't do anything except weakly tuck his face into the crook of Arthur's neck and burrow deeper into Arthur's arms until all he could smell and feel was Arthur.

"-Yes, I was trying to see if he needed support because he looked like he wasn't feeling well, your majesty…-"

Distantly Merlin heard Arthur conversing with that person. He couldn't understand why it felt like he was submerged underwater.

"It seems like the Royal sorcerer isn't feeling well. I will take my leave to accompany Lord Merlin to the physician. Enjoy your stay in Camelot, Sir Nicholas." Arthur's voice was blunter than usual and filled with clipped concern.

"Gwaine! Percival! Lancelot! Secure the back entrance." Was the last thing Merlin heard before he was swept along through dark, twisting turns and winding staircases.

"Shh..we're nearly there Merlin." He didn't realize he was making small whimpering sounds until Arthur gently shushed him.

Then there was a low familiar click before the heavy, oak doors opened.

"There we go. We're inside our rooms already...see..it's alright…"

Merlin's body unconsciously relaxed at the feel of the familiar warmth of their newly-tended fire on his skin, the soothing chill of their stone floor on his feet and the soft plushness of their rug on the hard soles of his feet. Before Merlin was aware of it, he was settled on their sitting rug in front of the fire and then gently tugged into Arthur's embrace.

A kiss was placed on Merlin's forehead before Arthur hooked a finger under his chin and gently nudged his head up.

Sky blue eyes filled with concern met his.

"I felt your magic spike in alarm… Thank the goddess I got there in time." Arthur's voice was filled with the same relief and gratitude still singing through his veins.

The soft concern in Arthur's eyes turned sharp and serious.

"What happened Merlin?"

Arthur's hand gently cupped Merlin's cheeks, and the antsy anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach returned. Merlin tried to push back from Arthur's chest, but the gentle, steady arm wrapped around his waist stroked his back in a soothing up and down motion until he relaxed back into Arthur's embrace. There was a resigned sigh before Arthur dropped his arm to tuck Merlin's head into the crook of his shoulder.

Merlin started to drift off leaning against Arthur's solid warmth when he was snapped back into consciousness by the feeling of Arthur suddenly tensing.

"Arthur? What's wrong-?" Merlin's voice faltered and he paled when he saw what Arthur was looking at.

Arthur was looking at his wrist.

Merlin tried to discreetly pull the long sleeve of his robe down until it covered the dark stain of bruises left by Sir Nicholas but he wasn't fast enough. Arthur's left hand reached down and cradled his bruised wrist in a tender hold and with his other hand Arthur gingerly lifted the material of the sleeve until Merlin's arm was revealed.

"Who did this?" Arthur's voice was so cold that it sucked all the warmth from the room.

"Arthur. It's nothing-"

When Merlin glanced up into Arthur's eyes, all he saw was fury so murderous, it dried up all the protests Merlin had on his tongue.

"Who. Hurt. You." Arthur was not asking a question anymore, instead his voice demanded an answer. The tone that Arthur used to command, the tone he used that oozed power and absolute authority, the tone of a King and a protector; and Merlin was helpless against Arthur's commands, because all that he is -all that he has- belongs to Arthur.

The whisper from Merlin's lips sounded feral _"SirNicholasDroyn-"_ but Arthur somehow understood what he was saying because rage flashed across Arthur's face.

Merlin instinctively flinched and when his vision steadied he saw heartbreak on the King's face.

"Arthur. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

Without a word, Arthur slowly gathered Merlin back into his arms and said "Not really an appropriate time for apologies, you silly warlock."

Merlin gave a wet, shaky snort of laughter at Arthur's attempt to lighten his mood.

"You knew him from before...didn't you? Is he the one you always have nightmares about?" It was an aching whisper that filled the silent space between them. The air was full of unsaid suspicions and knowledge. Knowledge from knowing a person for so long that you don't need them to say anything to know if it's true.

There was a long pause silence which Merlin used to gather his scattered thoughts, before wetting his lips and taking a deep breath.

"He- He was-" His voice wobbled.

"-I met him before- it was-" A pause "-7 years ago." A young, arrogant knight. The son of a Lord.

" it- it was before. When Uther was still King-" Merlin's mind couldn't stop replaying the sight of Arthur greeting Sir Nicholas Droyn in the throne room out of his head.

"Uther was sick at the time, and-" Merlin glanced up at Arthur's eyes to gauge his reaction "well you were the regent of Camelot, and you were trying to secure alliances as many people as possible because there was the possibility of war with Essetir-"

"He- He was the son of a Lord. A- A knight-" Merlin took another breath. "And his father was in Uther's council-"

"The first few days were ok. Nothing happened?" Except being roughly pushed around by the visiting nobles. "-it- it wasn't until the last night I think?-" Merlin's voice trailed off with a tremble.

"-Nicholas...his dinner wasn't brought up yet. So I- I took it up because everybody else was busy with cleaning duty after the leaving ceremony," Merlin remembered that night vividly. It started out so innocent; so normal.

"It- um was a normal errand. I didn't think-" Merlin felt his heart rate spike "-It- I was caught unprepared." Merlin could still remember the thump of the tray as he placed it on the table. "I don't-"

Merlin hastily cleared his throat, "-I don't remember exactly what happened next-"

Arthur made a wounded noise but Merlin couldn't hear anything except the erratic _thumpthumpthump_ of his heart. "But my pants were off". Stripped naked. Face harshly ground into the thick fabric of the pillow. "-and all I could feel was pain from my arm. I think he fractured my bone-" Merlin cradled his arm to his chest.

"-I lost consciousness a few seconds in-" From agony that night "-I think I screamed? But no one-" Merlin didn't realize he had whined until Arthur was saying, "It's ok, Merlin. shh...stop, it's enough. You don't need to-"

"-He kept going at it. He didn't **STOP**!" Searing hot tears ran down his cheeks and distantly he heard himself gasp desperately for air.

"Breathe" _Nicholas' hands- his throat ohgods-_ "Merlin. Breathe for me?"

The warmth of Arthur's palm against his cheek slowly brought him back to the present, and Arthur's relief was soothing balm against the newly-scabbed wound in his mind.

"There you go-"

Merlin screwed his eyes shut and burrowed into Arthur's arms.

"It was my fault! I could have done something-" Merlin's voice was a tired, aching whisper of air.

" _I let him rape me!-_ " The shame and self-loathing Merlin felt made him want to throw up.

"Don't you ever say that! Never say that again! Do you hear me?!" Arthur's voice was like a strike of lightning, filled with righteous anger and unwavering absolution, and it froze all his self-loathing and shame in the blink of an eye.

"The only one who is at fault is the _bastard_ -" The cold hatred in Arthur's eyes - for some reason- made Merlin's heart feel lighter. "-that did this to you, do you understand, Merlin?"

Merlin choked out a sob and gave his amazing, ridiculous King a shaky nod and a watery smile.

"You should have told me. You didn't need to carry this within you for years, Merlin." Arthur hooked two fingers under his chin and lifted his head up.

"We protect each other. How can I protect you if I don't know..." Arthur's eyes were the most breath-taking, clear blue he had ever seen.

"I won't do it again. I can't hide from you again-" Merlin's whisper was like a leaf gently floating on a spring wind after the trials of a harsh winter.

The last thing Merlin felt was the gentle rise and fall of Arthur's chest before he was lulled into an exhausted, restless sleep.

* * *

The dark indescribable anxiety that clung to his dreams disappeared when Merlin suddenly jerked awake. Disoriented and dazed from such an abrupt start, Merlin didn't notice anything missing until his fingers didn't meet a familiar warm body. Merlin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before groggily pushing himself up.

The space next to him was empty, but still warm from Arthur's body heat. Arthur must have gotten up around an hour ago. He was surprised because when he peeked out the window, the sky had just started to brighten with the first few rays of the dawning sun.

Merlin was about to burrow back into their large quilt when he heard a commotion outside their window. Curious, he wrapped the thin blanket around himself before padding towards the windows.

There, in the middle of the castle grounds Sir Nicholas Droyn stood half-naked, surrounded by Arthur's Knights with bags haphazardly strewn in front of him like left-overs.

The clear, cold sound of the bell that signaled the start of an exile rang through the air.

Without warning, the knights that surrounded Sir Nicholas roughly grabbed him and dragged him down the streets. Within seconds, the sight of the knights escorting an exiled knight could not be seen from the royal quarters anymore.

The ache in Merlin's chest from reliving that hell lightened the further away Arthur's knights got, and a bittersweet chuckle left his lips. He was so preoccupied with the sight that he didn't notice someone had entered the room until Arthur's arms wrapped around him in a gentle hold.

"At dawn before the citizens of Camelot and her guests, I judged that he would be punished with castration before being cast out of all the kingdoms and lands allied with Camelot…"

 _But why didn't Arthur sounded satisfied with the decision?.._

"I'm so sorry I couldn't deal out a heavier punishment for you. His father still has some influence in Camelot's current council so I-"

Merlin turned around and gave his King a small kiss filled with love and gratitude. There were no words to describe how Arthur's actions have liberated him and helped him heal from the trauma.

"No... _Thank you_ Arthur. You've done more than I could ever hope for."

The happy gleam and smile that lit up his King's face was breath-taking, and Merlin helplessly leaned in for another kiss.


End file.
